He was laying out the Lib Dem Tax proposals should they get into office. Or NOT.
Friday, 27 November 2009
If that means massive debt, built on sand, a reigime that coudn't give a flying f*ck about its citizens, nothing to export, run by bankers who are out to make a killing for themselves, the only thing left to offer is an architecture and weather based tourism sector, a tradition of secrecy amongst the hierarchy then 'Yes, I suppose it is!'
Oh but they do have glorious sunshine, a freindly neighbour Arab state that will bail it out after it's taught them a lesson on 'who's the daddy' and nothing, nothing, nothing like Liverpool, dickhead!
The prosecution rests mi'lod
Wednesday, 25 November 2009
Banks win right to keep charging you as much as they f*cking like!
"Ha, ha , ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, oh I'm sorry, huh, huh, huh, no really, uum-uum, what were you saying again, um,oh yes, we won, bloody marvelous, brilliant isn't it? Huh, huh, huh, no really, I'm sorry, unbelievable, really unbelievable, I knew the old lords wouldn't let us down!" said an unamed banking CEO.
In a landmark victory, Lord Phillips, of the Supreme Court said “I find that banks should carry on f*cking the British people over and over again, it serves them right for listening to that fast talking upstart, Martin Lewis and allowing him to enter my court. I hate the little turd!”
The court case, brought about by the Office of Fair Trading on behalf of bank customers who feel unjustly treated in relation to bank charges for overdrafts.
“It’s surreal, banks charge customers money for going overdrawn on their accounts, which was financed by customers’ money! Remarkable and brilliant!” said Mr Mervin King of the Bank of England. “It’s almost on a par with my money lending scam I’ve got going on with the banks at the moment!”
We were unable to find anybody to comment from the banking sector due to them laughing so ridiculously loudly in our face and shouting ‘F*ck you all’ from the rooftops of some very tall buildings!
Monday, 23 November 2009
Friday, 20 November 2009
STOP PRESS - Roy Keane has just announced that he thought the Irish squad were not 'mentally strong enough' and that was the reason they lost against France, nothing to do with Thierry Henry!
Another row erupted today after Jean-Christophe Novelli, celebrity chef and self professed football fan admitted on Channel 4 news that he disliked Thierry Henry. This was another attack because of the handball incident by the dirty stinking French bastard that knocked the Irish out of the World Cup.
“Ah wood like to cut off zee testicles and sauté zem een zee vin rouge for zis despicable act ee az done!” said Novelli “Ee iz not a Frenchman but a peece of chien du-du, zat eez ze dog turd to you ingleesh!”
It was thought that everybody in the universe thought that Henry was a cheating, garlic munching TWAT but in a surprise turn of events, David Beckham came forward to his defence. He said he didn’t believe Henry was a cheat and admitted that he actually liked him. However he also married Posh Spice so he is hardly a great judge of character.
Sorry but I missed a couple of days, I was at St James hospital in Leeds. I'm under the care of the specialist liver & heptology unit and was having some tests done.
That was on Wednesday but it wiped me out for Thursday so I'm hoping to get back on it and post some of my usual bullsh*t and stuff.
I go back on Monday where I find out the test results as well as what they plan to do with me. My doctor has told me that he thinks I'm probably going to be put forward for a liver transplant, so fingers crossed for that.
I suppose on the face of it seems bizarre to be wishing for something like that. The word transplant is emotive, not least for myself when I consider that somebody else has paid the ultimate price for me to get what I need.
On top of that, not trying to sound disrepectful or ungrateful, but the thought of the operation fills me with dread, what if...?
I suppose we'll cross each bridge as we get to it, in the meantime 'the show must go on'.....
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
Belle du Jour : Cash For Sex Always Sells
Sir Elton Johns’ partner recalls his life before Elton, how they met and their eventual ‘marriage’ in an autobiographical novel entitled “Tales of a tupenney rent-boy”.
The book recalls how David, working in a gender-bending crack house was ‘turning tricks’ for as little as £10 a time, but would often pay more if he really liked them; recounts how he met Sir Elton John. After playing hard to get for thirty seconds, they began their long and tempestuous courtship where he learned to do exactly as he was told.
The book finishes on a high with Elton eventually taking David up the aisle to an audience of celebrity onlookers and OK magazine photographers.
Monday, 16 November 2009
Nick Griffin launched the “Battle for Barking” yesterday, declaring that he will stand against the culture minister Margaret Hodge at the next election.
“We’re gonna set up on a street corner and kick ‘ten bells’ out of any spiks, chinks, daygos and wops we see and then were gonna set about that bloody lesbian before we’re done .” said Mr. Griffin
When questioned as to how she felt about the challenge, Ms Hodge said simply “DICKHEAD”
I couldn’t have put it better myself!
Please become a fan of 'Unite Against Fascism' on facebook
Can We Get Another Comedian To Do The Queens Speech?
Liberal leader, Nick Clegg has called for The Queens speech to be scrapped this year as it will be a totally pointless exercise given that the Labour legislative recommendations will be tossed in the bin once they’ve been given the boot at the next election.
However Gordon Brown hit back saying this will be one of his last opportunities to look really good before being given the boot. “Whilst I agree with the honourable gentleman, has it not always been the case that it’s a pointless exercise? Nobody listens to a word HRH is saying and nobody has followed up on the proposed legislation since Tony Blair came to power; but it keeps the ‘old girl’ in a job.”
“If we do have to sit though this in the knowledge that the Conservatives are to come to power, we will all need a good laugh, might I suggest that we ask Prince Phillip to do the speech! A few ‘gollywog’ and ‘jigger-boo’ jokes always go down well in the house” said Vince Cable of the Lib Dems.
Potential first time buyers have told British Banks to stick their mortgages up their arse!
The move comes as some banks have relaxed their conditions for first time buyer’s ability to qualify for a mortgage and have shaved interest rates in order to make mortgages more attractive.
However John & Linda McGee who have been living with parents since marrying said “We visited some estate agents to view properties within our budget and decided we’d rather live in a crack house in Beirut rather than live in some of the shit-holes available to us.”
“It’s been really difficult living with Mum and Dad but we’ve learned now how to bonk each other senseless every time there backs are turned.” said Linda.
John added “It just seems so much better than the alternative of having to live in something a little bigger than a hamster cage situated on a third world refugee camp. Not to mention the American style gangster rapper types in hooded tops lurking outside your door and there Kappa sportswear clad parents shouting obscenities at other until the early hours of the morning."
"All of this comes at a premium price that will take several lifetimes to repay! So I would like to say to the banks, on reflection – Go fuck yourselves! You got us into this shit state; you get us out, Fuckwits!
“And if it means I have to put up with John sneaking into the bathroom and taking me from behind every time I go to clean my teeth whilst Mummy and Daddy are having breakfast downstairs; then I suppose I’ll just have to cope!” said Linda.
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Okay, okay, so my last post from twitter may have sounded a little random, but what I was trying to say was hatstand, tea kettle barbecue. But it all came out a bit apple 'n' pairs, dog 'n' bone, hows ya father you lemon.
There, I'm feeling much better now. And stop listening to other peoples conversations cause now you know where it gets you, Not Mark & Spencers lingerie department and a whole heap of trouble.
Now go on, get owt my pub, it's family innit.
Friday, 13 November 2009
Hi Everyone, Welcome to 'My World'
Well if you haven't seen it yet, take a look @ my 'New Look' blog page. I think it looks pretty slick but let me know what you think. Do you like the graphics? Not bad for a novice don't you think?
I know a lot of people follow it through Facebook but if you get a mo, check out the real thing!
In the meantime I'll keep gobshiting in my usual manner and try not to make it too heavy, hope it brightens your day!
I f anyone's got ideas for my blog-site I'd be happy to hear them. That, by the way, doesn't mean that you can all to email me to say 'shut the f*ck up! Email me (no spam please) at: email@example.com.
That's it, I'm off to bed because it's now 3:45am and I'm getting delirious - T-ra
Thursday, 12 November 2009
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
It was our anniversary last Sunday. Six years of wedded bliss and never a cross word, honest! Okay, I'll admit it, we've had our ups and downs but what couple hasn't at some point?
We were together for 11 years before we got married. This is my cue for my usual and predictable joke of “I wasn’t sure she was the right girl for me”, accompanied by the sound of Mandy’s understandable groans.
In truth however, despite my bravado I knew the moment I met Mandy, 17 years ago that she was the girl for me. We started living together almost immediately, more out of necessity than choice, and we have hardly been apart ever since. I will concede that Mandy was not as certain about our future together as I was but she came round over time!
We decided to tie the knot when we realised it was time to have kids! We would both agree that our wedding day and honeymoon were perfect in every way. If we had to do it again, we both would gladly do so without changing a thing.
Being the virile brute I am, kids followed soon after (Mandy’s groaning again) and we now have two beautiful children, Emily (4) and Matthew (3).So for our anniversary we decided to go and see Disney’s new animated movie ‘Up’. The movie was, as you would expect, great fun with plenty of humour and effects. It was a touching story too surprisingly, but not nearly as surprising as both kids bursting into tears and wailing like banshees as ‘the nasty man’ tried to catch ‘Kevin’ – you had to be there.
After the movie, we went to Pizza Hut because the kids love pizza and pasta. This is the closest they’ve been to the McD’s thing and a rare treat. Not least because it’s a break from the norm but the ‘all you can eat’ ice cream is always a winner. As we sat watching the kids devouring there mountain of ice cream and mini marshmallows topped with chocolate sauce, we held hands across the table. Gushy this may sound but at that moment I was as happy as I have ever been in my life, especially as we watched Matthew in his own inimitable fashion, pick up his bowl and lick out the last of the chocolate sauce. Priceless!
That night, as I looked in on them both sleeping, they seemed so angelic and I could feel my heart make a contented leap. You need moments like that to keep you going and make it all worthwhile. It sustains you. Mandy and I have faced some tough times of late but for the most part we can look at the kids and say, ‘we did alright’.
As for us, we’re still rock solid if just a little jaded round the edges.
Here’s to our next 6 years together.
Friday, 6 November 2009
News that a deal being struck between Management and the CWU was due to direct intervention by HRH the Queen, palace insiders revealed today.
The move came following an outburst by Prince Phillip who is said to be livid that packages sent to him had failed to arrive. Items that went missing are said to include a ‘pneumatic anal intruder’ and a 12 inch black rubber cock! Meanwhile Camilla is said to be ‘quite miffed’ that her riding crop, boots and stirrups as well as a ‘strap-a-dick-to-me’ that she and Charles were looking forward to using, had not arrived.
The items were confirmed as sent by specialist companies, Amazon and MoonPig who said their online tracking service had tracked the items to a Royal Mail sorting centre outside London.
However reports that temporary workers on minimum wage were running the centre, to clear the backlog caused by strikes, were said to be stealing posted items including items sent to Buckingham Palace.
A handful of the temporary workers 'whistle blew' and in return for cash, spoke to The Daily Mail.
They said that just a couple of weeks ago they were on the dole wondering how they would pay for Christmas gifts this year. Consequently, when they were forced by the Job Centre to take a really shitty low paid job or risk losing benefits that they decided to take everyone else’s!
“The money’s crap but the fringe benefits are excellent” said one worker whilst another added
“Thanks to Prince Phillip, my wife is sooo gonna get it this Christmas”.
Now, forced by The Queen’s intervention, we will all be forced to spend our hard earned money on totally pointless Christmas cards and send them to people we haven’t seen in years and didn’t really like anyway, whist the kids flick through the mail order catalogues repeatedly asking “Daaaad, can I have one of those”?
Merry Christmas everyone!
It goes, Remember, remember the 5th November, Gunpowder, treason and plot! Is that not clear enough for you, Helloooo?
We light enough great big bonfires, burn effigies and send enough fireworks skyward to give every domestic pet in Britain post traumatic stress disorder. So much so that next doors cat spent the night cowering in the relative tranquillity of my back garden, leaving my lawn looking like an Afghan minefield of IED’s this morning.
You would have thought with all that celebration going on that some fame hungry X-Factor cast off or maybe a Jeremy Clarkson loving grumpy old man might take the bait and decide to do absolutely everyone a favour.
All they need to do is get themselves under the houses of Parliament, light the blue touch paper and retire, probably with a knighthood, the Nobel Peace Prize, instant celebrity status, all of ‘Girls Aloud’ at the same time and the adoration of the British people. Oh, and beat ‘The Stig’ from ‘Top Gear’ whenever you like!
There I was, like a child on Christmas morning as I am on every November 6th, I could hardly wait to get up and put the news on and see if the headline story was ‘Guy Fawkes Lives, Rejoice, someone has blown the houses of Parliament to Shit-Rags! And all of the countries MP’s were in it at the time – what luck!’
But Noooooooo. I mean, what do I have to do?
Of course, I’d do it myself but I’m too old and in my condition....
So, please somebody, don’t forget next year. 5th November. Put a ‘post it’ note on your fridge and make this old man happy. Alternatively send ‘Girls Aloud’ over.
Thursday, 5 November 2009
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
‘Not a chance,’ says the husband, ‘it is 3:00 in the morning!’ He slams the door and returns to bed…
‘Who was that?’ asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push,’ he answers.
‘Did you help him?’ she asks.
‘No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!’
‘Well, you have a short memory,’ says his wife. ‘Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!’
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, ‘Hello, are you still there?’
‘Yes,’ comes back the answer.
‘Do you still need a push?’ calls out the husband.
‘Yes, please!’ comes the reply from the dark.
‘Where are you?’ asks the husband.
‘Over here on the swing,’ replied the drunk
Wednesday, 4 November 2009
It was announced by the Speaker today, who could hardly contain his grin that Sir Ian Kennedy is to head up the newly formed ‘Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority’.
This follows on the back of the report published by Sir Christopher Kelly and his recommendations over the MP’s expenses row.
Mr Kelly’s main recommendation was that Britain’s MP’s should take a leaf out of city bankers book and realise that when you’ve been caught with your ‘pants down’, you really should learn to SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Meanwhile he has promised to pay Sir Ian a paltry £100,000 a year in a move designed to show that something is being done even though it isn’t.
Sir Ian’s job remit will be to ensure that his recommendations are taken forward and tossed in the back of filing cabinet somewhere
The move has been seen as favourable by all sides of the house, who agreed that Sir Ian is an ‘old school’ sort of chap who will, under his guidance, let us all get back to shafting the British taxpayer as soon as the dust settles! Hurrah
Lord Myners has said that some of the things he’s done recently have made him very unpopular in the ‘city’
No shit Sherlock! I too would find him unpopular if I were a city banker and found his nose constantly embedded so far up my own arse that it made my eyes bulge!
He’s the government mouthpiece charged with consulting with Banking Chiefs to stop the incredible balls up ever happening again that led us into the biggest recession since the dawn of Man.
Unfortunately Lord Myners seems to have found his government mouthpiece is much better placed fixed firmly around banking chiefs ‘wotsits’ in the executive washroom!
Let’s face it, he can go on BBC news and bleat on about banking reforms and blah, blah, blah and what a great f*cking job he’s doing but I’m sure we’d all prefer it if he stopped jerking us off and let us slot in an extra episode of ‘Corro’ and ‘Eastenders’!
The truth is that there is f*ck all we can do about the banks. They’re far too big and it’s the only thing that’s left in this country that makes us any money.
This is thanks largely to a Brown/Blair government that preferred to let banks regulate themselves whilst they concentrated on the really big issues - as seen on the front page of the Daily Mail!
My advice to Mr Cameron and the incumbent government is go one further, deregulate the Daily Mail and let them run the country and go and help Lord Myners in the top floor executive washroom and oh, could we also have an extra episode of ‘The Simpsons’ please?
Sir Alan Sugar is to begin a new search for an Apprentice to help him rein-act the ‘Four Yorkshiremen’ sketch
“Who’d of thought I’d get where I am today, I started with nowt y’know!”
This was following his rant about British small businesses being crap and no-one else in business today is anywhere near as good as he is.
He is then expected to recount the stories of how he made it to the top including:
“I started off selling cheap crap home computers until I brought a deluxe colour model out that didn’t actually facking work, shouldn’t have bought those hard drives from that paddy down the pub! Still, I made a facking killing on them though”
He will continue “Then I started selling crap stereos that looked fancy but only had a cheap Taiwanese tranny radio inside. Made a facking fortune on them!”
He added “In actual fact I’ve made a fortune selling cheap tat to the British public so it was only right that I got asked to advise Gordon Brown and Peter Mandleson on business issues.
Mandleson added “advisor, you wer lucky!”
If only every British Small Business could make a fortune by forgetting their morals and becoming a jumped little tit like Sir Alan, then maybe british banks would be more willing to lend too them.
Sir Alan, entrepreneurs salute you - COCK!
Get myself fit and well
Become a (screen) Writer
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
A Socialist Bank?
It's Official - We now own 84% of The Royal Bank of Scotland, which has got to be one 'up the bum' for Gordon Brown and two fingers to the tartan wearing sporran strikers - hurrah!
A Nationalised Bank! Based in Scotland. What a good idea!
We take the risk so does this mean we get the profit?
Does this mean I can walk into any branch and say "I'm here to make a withdrawal", without my 'sorn-off' and my sisters tights on my head?
Hmm, as opposed to we take the risk and someone else takes the profit, Or does this mean 'the country' takes the profitit, wait a minute ... It could catch on...
Why stop with one bank, why not all of them. We know there's plenty of money to be made, that’s why there's so many Cockney Bankers at it. (Yes, I said Bankers, not wan..)
We could become as rich as the oil producing Arab states!!!
We won't have to listen to that boring twat, Mervin King bleating on about "not returning to Boom and Bust days" and doing exactly f*ck all about it.
And while we’re at it, why stop there?
Why not 'Nationalised Drug Dealing Clinics'?
Again, currently, we take the risks and mop up the fall out and criminality caused by habitual drug taking! Then someone else takes all the profit!
Why don't WE take the profit? All the government has do to is a bit of (ahem) drug re-classification and get a few Scientists on board to back up our argument.... Doh, okay, okay, we can re-work this.... And get rid of Alan Johnson (its sounding better and better!) and then we start selling drugs to the masses (who after all, are already using them) and use the MASSIVE profits to fund a 'state of the art' Heath Service!!
And seeming as we'll be Al Qaeda and the Taliban’s best customer, buying up all the produce of the Opium Poppy Fields in Afghanistan -- No More WAR!
Oh my God, I have seen the light... It's all so clear now, yes, yes, it might just work. I’m going for a lie down now..
I haven't felt like this since my Mum & Dad bought me one of the first Sony Walkman cassette players and John Lennon’s' 'Imagine' album one Christmas when I was 14!
It's been emotional...
Sunday, 1 November 2009
Days when it just doesn't work....
I've had one of those crappy days today, not because anything went wrong or anybody said or did anything to piss me off. But just 'because'.
I've had plenty of those days where plenty has gone wrong in recent months. At times it felt like it was open season for having a 'pop'. Since my first ‘attack’ and subsequent diagnosis I can honestly say that nearly every part of my life has changed.
Some things I have come to learn; it doesn't matter how much stuff you surround yourself with or how high you build your towers, it can all be blown away in an instant.
Never feel untouchable or above this because one day, it really could be you.
But I'm not writing to lecture you, not today. I just want to 'blood let' for a while and write it down. Because my day really has felt pretty 'crap'.
I had a really nice day yesterday, we took the kids over to Grandma & Granddads’ for the holiday which was great and some of my brothers and their families turned up with their kids. So I spent a lot of time play fighting with them. Then I had the usual bout of “how are you” and “when are you at the hospital next” and stuff because naturally their concerned.
I only recently told my family even though we've known for some time. I couldn't see the point of telling them because I didn't want to worry them and I knew there was nothing they could do about it anyway. I also didn't want this kind of questioning getting in the way every time I saw them because it's now more than ever that I just want to enjoy their company.
Mandy was furious that I wouldn’t tell them because she said it was their right to worry. I understood where she was coming from but I didn't want to be the object of their pity so reluctantly she agreed to go along with it.
It's only since it was becoming increasingly obvious that something was wrong and I was turning ‘yellow’ that I decided to 'come clean' so to speak.
However, I try my best to be my 'old self' whenever I go over, like I do whenever I go to any of my friends’ and families place, or if I bump into someone in the street.
But you can always see as we're talking, the conversation going on behind the eyes. It’s the evaluation of when I was my old self; and now. The "oh Christ he looks awful" and the “it’s true then” and all the while their mouth goes into 'autopilot' as they ask "so, how are you?" Then the realisation of the enormity of that question!
For my family it is genuine concern but for many it's a "bollocks, bollocks, bollocks, why did I say that" moment. I try and getaway with “Yeah, y’know, just plodding along” a ‘get out’ for both of us but some people just don’t know when to stop!
But, after a day like yesterday, as ever I’m tired and usually in pain so I end up spending the day doing very little or staying in bed. The kids will come in periodically and crawl all over you and you feel like screaming at them because their hurting you or keeping you from your sleep. Or you want squeeze them tight to you and get comfort from their innocence and lack of understanding of the situation.
And that’s when the emotional roller coaster kicks in. You start to wonder if you’ll ever get a transplant because God, you’re sick of feeling sick. You want to make plans but then you know you can’t. The “why me?” and the “why not you, who ever said life was fair?” And you start to believe that everything you’ve ever done could just be about to go down the toilet.
It does make you feel afraid and even cry. You want to hide and under the covers and have a really good ‘blub’ like you did when you were a kid, hoping your Mum would hear and come and tell you it was just a nasty dream.
Mandy has been great and so have the kids. They made me realise that all that truly matters in life is the people you surround yourself with. And then you cry again. But, for now I’m all cried out so I thought I’d try and write it down to try and make some sense of it.
My life has been punctuated by some massive highs and extreme lows but on days like today, nothing seems to really work anymore…