Gunpowder, treason and plot - Hellooooo

It goes, Remember, remember the 5th November, Gunpowder, treason and plot! Is that not clear enough for you, Helloooo?

We light enough great big bonfires, burn effigies and send enough fireworks skyward to give every domestic pet in Britain post traumatic stress disorder. So much so that next doors cat spent the night cowering in the relative tranquillity of my back garden, leaving my lawn looking like an Afghan minefield of IED’s this morning.

You would have thought with all that celebration going on that some fame hungry X-Factor cast off or maybe a Jeremy Clarkson loving grumpy old man might take the bait and decide to do absolutely everyone a favour.

All they need to do is get themselves under the houses of Parliament, light the blue touch paper and retire, probably with a knighthood, the Nobel Peace Prize, instant celebrity status, all of ‘Girls Aloud’ at the same time and the adoration of the British people. Oh, and beat ‘The Stig’ from ‘Top Gear’ whenever you like!

There I was, like a child on Christmas morning as I am on every November 6th, I could hardly wait to get up and put the news on and see if the headline story was ‘Guy Fawkes Lives, Rejoice, someone has blown the houses of Parliament to Shit-Rags! And all of the countries MP’s were in it at the time – what luck!’

But Noooooooo. I mean, what do I have to do?

Of course, I’d do it myself but I’m too old and in my condition....

So, please somebody, don’t forget next year. 5th November. Put a ‘post it’ note on your fridge and make this old man happy. Alternatively send ‘Girls Aloud’ over.