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He told a packed audience of Lib Dem supporters that he had a vision of the future where the Rich are taxed more so the poor can carry on claiming benefits! People who live in big houses should pay a mansion tax so the council can build more Beirut style council estates and nobody will be allowed to own cars, ever, under any circumstances!
Baldrick, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Great, Grandfather of Tony Blair!Banks win right to keep charging you as much as they f*cking like!
"Ha, ha , ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, oh I'm sorry, huh, huh, huh, no really, uum-uum, what were you saying again, um,oh yes, we won, bloody marvelous, brilliant isn't it? Huh, huh, huh, no really, I'm sorry, unbelievable, really unbelievable, I knew the old lords wouldn't let us down!" said an unamed banking CEO.
In a landmark victory, Lord Phillips, of the Supreme Court said “I find that banks should carry on f*cking the British people over and over again, it serves them right for listening to that fast talking upstart, Martin Lewis and allowing him to enter my court. I hate the little turd!”
STOP PRESS - Roy Keane has just announced that he thought the Irish squad were not 'mentally strong enough' and that was the reason they lost against France, nothing to do with Thierry Henry!
Gordon Brown was said to be "dissapointed" that he came second in the 'soggy biscuit' competition organised by Mumsnet.com
(pictured: Mary Hinge, Norma Snockers and Betty Swanney and there soggy biscuits!)Hi All,
Sorry but I missed a couple of days, I was at St James hospital in Leeds. I'm under the care of the specialist liver & heptology unit and was having some tests done.
That was on Wednesday but it wiped me out for Thursday so I'm hoping to get back on it and post some of my usual bullsh*t and stuff.
I go back on Monday where I find out the test results as well as what they plan to do with me. My doctor has told me that he thinks I'm probably going to be put forward for a liver transplant, so fingers crossed for that.
I suppose on the face of it seems bizarre to be wishing for something like that. The word transplant is emotive, not least for myself when I consider that somebody else has paid the ultimate price for me to get what I need.
On top of that, not trying to sound disrepectful or ungrateful, but the thought of the operation fills me with dread, what if...?
I suppose we'll cross each bridge as we get to it, in the meantime 'the show must go on'.....
Belle du Jour : Cash For Sex Always Sells
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News that a deal being struck between Management and the CWU was due to direct intervention by HRH the Queen, palace insiders revealed today.
The move came following an outburst by Prince Phillip who is said to be livid that packages sent to him had failed to arrive. Items that went missing are said to include a ‘pneumatic anal intruder’ and a 12 inch black rubber cock! Meanwhile Camilla is said to be ‘quite miffed’ that her riding crop, boots and stirrups as well as a ‘strap-a-dick-to-me’ that she and Charles were looking forward to using, had not arrived.
The items were confirmed as sent by specialist companies, Amazon and MoonPig who said their online tracking service had tracked the items to a Royal Mail sorting centre outside London.
However reports that temporary workers on minimum wage were running the centre, to clear the backlog caused by strikes, were said to be stealing posted items including items sent to Buckingham Palace.
A handful of the temporary workers 'whistle blew' and in return for cash, spoke to The Daily Mail.
They said that just a couple of weeks ago they were on the dole wondering how they would pay for Christmas gifts this year. Consequently, when they were forced by the Job Centre to take a really shitty low paid job or risk losing benefits that they decided to take everyone else’s!
“The money’s crap but the fringe benefits are excellent” said one worker whilst another added
“Thanks to Prince Phillip, my wife is sooo gonna get it this Christmas”.
Now, forced by The Queen’s intervention, we will all be forced to spend our hard earned money on totally pointless Christmas cards and send them to people we haven’t seen in years and didn’t really like anyway, whist the kids flick through the mail order catalogues repeatedly asking “Daaaad, can I have one of those”?
Merry Christmas everyone!
It goes, Remember, remember the 5th November, Gunpowder, treason and plot! Is that not clear enough for you, Helloooo?
We light enough great big bonfires, burn effigies and send enough fireworks skyward to give every domestic pet in Britain post traumatic stress disorder. So much so that next doors cat spent the night cowering in the relative tranquillity of my back garden, leaving my lawn looking like an Afghan minefield of IED’s this morning.
You would have thought with all that celebration going on that some fame hungry X-Factor cast off or maybe a Jeremy Clarkson loving grumpy old man might take the bait and decide to do absolutely everyone a favour.
All they need to do is get themselves under the houses of Parliament, light the blue touch paper and retire, probably with a knighthood, the Nobel Peace Prize, instant celebrity status, all of ‘Girls Aloud’ at the same time and the adoration of the British people. Oh, and beat ‘The Stig’ from ‘Top Gear’ whenever you like!
There I was, like a child on Christmas morning as I am on every November 6th, I could hardly wait to get up and put the news on and see if the headline story was ‘Guy Fawkes Lives, Rejoice, someone has blown the houses of Parliament to Shit-Rags! And all of the countries MP’s were in it at the time – what luck!’
But Noooooooo. I mean, what do I have to do?
Of course, I’d do it myself but I’m too old and in my condition....
So, please somebody, don’t forget next year. 5th November. Put a ‘post it’ note on your fridge and make this old man happy. Alternatively send ‘Girls Aloud’ over.
It was announced by the Speaker today, who could hardly contain his grin that Sir Ian Kennedy is to head up the newly formed ‘Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority’.
This follows on the back of the report published by Sir Christopher Kelly and his recommendations over the MP’s expenses row.
Mr Kelly’s main recommendation was that Britain’s MP’s should take a leaf out of city bankers book and realise that when you’ve been caught with your ‘pants down’, you really should learn to SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Meanwhile he has promised to pay Sir Ian a paltry £100,000 a year in a move designed to show that something is being done even though it isn’t.
Sir Ian’s job remit will be to ensure that his recommendations are taken forward and tossed in the back of filing cabinet somewhere
The move has been seen as favourable by all sides of the house, who agreed that Sir Ian is an ‘old school’ sort of chap who will, under his guidance, let us all get back to shafting the British taxpayer as soon as the dust settles! Hurrah
Lord Myners has said that some of the things he’s done recently have made him very unpopular in the ‘city’
No shit Sherlock! I too would find him unpopular if I were a city banker and found his nose constantly embedded so far up my own arse that it made my eyes bulge!
He’s the government mouthpiece charged with consulting with Banking Chiefs to stop the incredible balls up ever happening again that led us into the biggest recession since the dawn of Man.
Unfortunately Lord Myners seems to have found his government mouthpiece is much better placed fixed firmly around banking chiefs ‘wotsits’ in the executive washroom!
Let’s face it, he can go on BBC news and bleat on about banking reforms and blah, blah, blah and what a great f*cking job he’s doing but I’m sure we’d all prefer it if he stopped jerking us off and let us slot in an extra episode of ‘Corro’ and ‘Eastenders’!
The truth is that there is f*ck all we can do about the banks. They’re far too big and it’s the only thing that’s left in this country that makes us any money.
This is thanks largely to a Brown/Blair government that preferred to let banks regulate themselves whilst they concentrated on the really big issues - as seen on the front page of the Daily Mail!
My advice to Mr Cameron and the incumbent government is go one further, deregulate the Daily Mail and let them run the country and go and help Lord Myners in the top floor executive washroom and oh, could we also have an extra episode of ‘The Simpsons’ please?
Sir Alan Sugar is to begin a new search for an Apprentice to help him rein-act the ‘Four Yorkshiremen’ sketch
“Who’d of thought I’d get where I am today, I started with nowt y’know!”
This was following his rant about British small businesses being crap and no-one else in business today is anywhere near as good as he is.
He is then expected to recount the stories of how he made it to the top including:
“I started off selling cheap crap home computers until I brought a deluxe colour model out that didn’t actually facking work, shouldn’t have bought those hard drives from that paddy down the pub! Still, I made a facking killing on them though”
He will continue “Then I started selling crap stereos that looked fancy but only had a cheap Taiwanese tranny radio inside. Made a facking fortune on them!”
He added “In actual fact I’ve made a fortune selling cheap tat to the British public so it was only right that I got asked to advise Gordon Brown and Peter Mandleson on business issues.
Mandleson added “advisor, you wer lucky!”
If only every British Small Business could make a fortune by forgetting their morals and becoming a jumped little tit like Sir Alan, then maybe british banks would be more willing to lend too them.
Sir Alan, entrepreneurs salute you - COCK!
A Socialist Bank?
It's Official - We now own 84% of The Royal Bank of Scotland, which has got to be one 'up the bum' for Gordon Brown and two fingers to the tartan wearing sporran strikers - hurrah!
A Nationalised Bank! Based in Scotland. What a good idea!
We take the risk so does this mean we get the profit?
Does this mean I can walk into any branch and say "I'm here to make a withdrawal", without my 'sorn-off' and my sisters tights on my head?
Hmm, as opposed to we take the risk and someone else takes the profit, Or does this mean 'the country' takes the profitit, wait a minute ... It could catch on...
Why stop with one bank, why not all of them. We know there's plenty of money to be made, that’s why there's so many Cockney Bankers at it. (Yes, I said Bankers, not wan..)
We could become as rich as the oil producing Arab states!!!
We won't have to listen to that boring twat, Mervin King bleating on about "not returning to Boom and Bust days" and doing exactly f*ck all about it.
And while we’re at it, why stop there?
Why not 'Nationalised Drug Dealing Clinics'?
Again, currently, we take the risks and mop up the fall out and criminality caused by habitual drug taking! Then someone else takes all the profit!
Why don't WE take the profit? All the government has do to is a bit of (ahem) drug re-classification and get a few Scientists on board to back up our argument.... Doh, okay, okay, we can re-work this.... And get rid of Alan Johnson (its sounding better and better!) and then we start selling drugs to the masses (who after all, are already using them) and use the MASSIVE profits to fund a 'state of the art' Heath Service!!
And seeming as we'll be Al Qaeda and the Taliban’s best customer, buying up all the produce of the Opium Poppy Fields in Afghanistan -- No More WAR!
Oh my God, I have seen the light... It's all so clear now, yes, yes, it might just work. I’m going for a lie down now..
I haven't felt like this since my Mum & Dad bought me one of the first Sony Walkman cassette players and John Lennon’s' 'Imagine' album one Christmas when I was 14!
It's been emotional...
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