People who talk utter b*llocks becoming ever more prevalent

People who talk utter bollocks are becoming ever more prevalent, according to figures released by the national office of statics today.

"It would appear that people who talk shite now outnumber normal, plain thinking Yorkshire folk by 3 to 1, with that number rising around London and the south east." a spokesperon for the government body claimed.

The unprecedented rise has been blamed on the education system, or the government, or failing that - ITV's X-Factor.

The BBCs' Breakfast News programme, which has become Britains advisory service for how the British public should conduct themselves, be politically correct and just about f*cking anything  else we tell you to do; said on hearing the statistics, "We agree, trying to find anyone who knows what the f*ck they are talking about is becoming increasingly difficult these days"

"We used to be able to pick up the phone at silly bugger 'o'clock in the morning and find someone with a proffesorship in this or an 'ology in that to turn any news story around to prove that if you listen to us, pay attention and do exactly as we tell  you then you wont go far wrong."

"These days we have to rely on Bill Turnbull and Shaan Williams ever so condescending attitude to get our point across. - But they do do-it ever so well and Bill is ever so cuddly!"

Meanwhile GMTV chiefs said "Who gives a f*ck, we can tell you whose been trying to get Cheryl Cole up the duff, we have a constant stream of benders to tell you whats hot this season and you'd much rather shag our weather girls!"

Bob Wharton, a retired truck driver from Lincolnshire who insists on keeping drawing breath said "More Experts, just what we f*cking need!"

On this occasion, this social commentator reluctanly agrees!

Ta-Raa xxx