A Sober Christmas and Heppy New Year! (A Hepatitis C (Hep C) Blog)

And so, for the first time in 30 years, I have been completely sober for Christmas!

It was a good one too, contrary to popular belief (and mine previously) you don’t need to finish the day somewhat intoxicated to enjoy it!

Since I was diagnosed with Hep C this has been something I’ve had trouble coming to terms with. Whenever I had been sober for any length of time I started to get the nagging feeling that there must be more to life than this and that somehow, getting off my head would show me the way!

It sounds crazy doesn’t it? It does to me now talking about it like this. But have you ever tried it? Have you ever tried giving up alcohol, drugs, if that’s your thing, cigarettes, even coffee? Nearly all the things that stimulate you, for say a month? Probably not and why would you, unless of course you have masochistic tendencies.

You wouldn’t want to, if you’re honest about it, not even if you got some misdirected urge to try and understand what the hell it is that I’m on about. You might do a couple of days of it before thinking “sod this for a game of soldiers, a pint lager and 20 Bensons please”

Well, so it was for me, I would have done the same as you, and did! But eventually I realised that every drink was actually killing me. I haven’t had a drink for the best part of a year now but I don’t pretend that it was anything other than that, and only that, that stopped me drinking in the end!

Now, you’re probably thinking, “you selfish bastard”, and I wouldn’t blame you. My life had completely revolved around my drinking and my having as good a time as possible!

But that was me, that’s what I was. Owner, Publican and Licensee. And because of who I was, I hope I brought a lot of happiness and good times to a lot of people. I hope I can say thousands all in all. And yes, everybody, had to pay their way, but nothing in life is free and that ensured many others had employment in what I thought was a great place to be. And yes, a lot of people had a good ride out of it too. I was licensed to have a good time. I was a regular cottage industry!

On reflection though, I feel I’ve given far more than I have received so far, but maybe that will change with time. And maybe it’s not for me to be the judge of that.

But for now I face 2010 with the knowledge that I must wait for a liver to become available and then if I make it that far, 6 to 10 hrs of transplant surgery. Who knows what’s beyond that but I’m not thinking too much about that now, as with so many aspects of my life, it hurts me to do so. Literally. My liver doesn’t produce enough chemicals for my brain to function normally, leaving me dizzy, fatigued and confused. As for the toxins, ohh, don’t talk to me about the toxins... (okay enough drama)

So Christmas ’09 has passed and for me it has been another milestone, as everyday is now. Some days they’re just small milestones and some are like monoliths. As today was for me.

I was talking with Mandy about this earlier. I was telling her that it’s not the ‘not being able to have a glass of wine with Christmas dinner, and that I would never hold it against anyone that they can whilst I can’t. It’s not having the choice’.

We sat and talked about this and about my Hep C, as we tend to do these days, not least because I’m at home all the time now. We talked about the future and that one day when this is all over we’ll say how in some bizarre way it was the best thing that ever happened to us. You need to have these conversations on some days, even on the ‘monolith’ days

I was telling her that while she had got up and taken the dog out early this morning, the kids had come and gotten into bed with me. Then I’d let them go down stairs and check that Santa had come and left them some presents. I told her about their screams and hoops of joy when they saw that he had.

It’s these small moments that make me realise why I started taking my health seriously, not just for the selfish reasons, and you need those too. But for them. I can at last feel that Christmas 2009, I gave and received equally.

So maybe I did finish the day somewhat intoxicated, differently that’s for sure but feeling none the less euphoric for it.

I look to 2010, not having all the answers, or knowing how things will turn out. But I do have hope. Nobody knows the future, nor should you, otherwise what would be the point? But we should all have hope.

And maybe I’m starting to realise already that this actually could be the best thing that has happened to me already.

Merry Christmas everybody and have a drink for me this New Year!