How Do I Define Myself? Hep C Blog Post (Hepatitis C)

Friday 11 December 2009


How do you define yourself? By your actions? By the job you do? Maybe your spiritual beliefs or your likes and dislikes?


Usually we can get an insight of how to categorise someone by posing the question “so what do you do?”

Most people have worked out who or what they are by the time they reach middle age and have rehearsed and are forearmed for this question.

But imagine after you have spent your life building your ‘brand’ that every line of who you are has been taken away. Hep C has done all of this and more.

To become eligible for a liver transplant, I have signed a ‘contract for life’ that I will never touch alcohol again. Not even to cook with in a sauce! I also know that being the type of person that I am, that if I was to have one drink, it would mean two, which would mean four and so on. I never considered myself to be alcoholic, I never had the shakes or any of that but as my school report always said “Easily distracted”

I can never go back into pubs, I think even the most determined would find it impossible, after being the host, the comedian, the referee and the drinker, I could never go back and do my job with the same gusto without these traits and therefore renders my definition by work, dead.

The same could be said of my actions. I considered myself to be the archetypical ‘bon viveur’. Now, I’m not saying you need a drink inside you to do this, but it helps! More than this though, my confidence has been well and truly bashed and now feels like a dinted tin can with its contents dripped out leaving a void inside. It’s hard to be the life and soul when so much of your life and soul has been poured out.

As for my spirituality, I suppose I was agnostic but believed you do good; you get good, ying and yang, that kind of thing. However that thinking now seems to be so far off the mark. I see good in small places and for that I’m thankful, but in the context of what’s going on in the world I find it hard to reconcile. As for my personal circumstances, need I say more? I have always tried to punch above my weight and this has caused me to be knocked down more than once but I never lost sight of what I was fighting for.

So it brings me to likes and dislikes. Some guru once said, if you don’t like the question “what do you do”, it’s usually because you don’t like the answer. Therefore, if you don’t like the answer then change it. My problem is, I liked the answer, and I liked doing what I did and being defined by it. Maybe that made me one dimensional or shallow. I could ponder my worth later.

So now I’m a guy waiting for a liver transplant. A husband and a father; a warm human being who still has a lot to give. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to define myself as anything more than that or what I would like it to be. I want to dream again, I want to feel great when I wake in the morning, get up and do my ‘thing’ and carry everyone with me for the ride. But I can’t right now and I’m not sure when I will again.

But if I feel like it again soon, I’ll let you know.

1 comments:

Unknown 25 December 2010 at 19:14  

Ian.
Wow, This post really hits home. I quit the party life 10 years ago, I AM an alcoholic, and that took years of redefining myself. I went back to school, got a Masters Degree in Community Counseling, did an internship with survivors of sexual violence and loved it. I had found my niche. I got hired working with dv and sa survivors and loved my job...but my health caused me too make too many errors and I was fired. Now I'm on disability, 40 weeks into Combination therapy and, once again, redefining myself.I too am interested in writing and oddly enough I think this experience has given me an opportunity to explore options i may never have otherwise had the courage to pursue. I'm catching up on some of your older posts and am really enjoying reading your stuff. Keep at it! Writing is a legacy, and a way of educating others about the real faces behind this disease. As I have discovered there are a lot of wonderful people out there who share this challenge and many of us are putting it all out there to educate and support others. I have the greatest respect for anyone who does so, I know a lot of people who still hide in shame of having this disease...so lets keep speaking out!!
Peace and Be Well
Jenny
http://jennysliver.blogspot.com/

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What Is Hepatitis C?

Hepatitis C Information:

Hepatits C is a blood-borne viral disease which can cause liver inflamation, fibrosis, cirrhosis and liver cancer. The Hepatitis C virus (HCV) is spread by blood-to-blood contact with infected person's blood. Many people with HCV infection have no symptoms and are unaware of the need to seek treatment. Hepatitis C infects an estimated 150-200 million people worldwide. It is the leading cause of liver Transplant...

Hepatitis C is an inflamation of the liver caused by infection with the Hepatitis C virus is one of the five known hepatitis viruses: A, B, C, D & E. Hepatitis C was previousley known as non-A non-B hepatitis prior to isolation of the virus in 1989.

Symptoms of Acute Hepatitis C:

Acute Hepatitis C refers to first 6 months after infection with HCV. Remarkably, 60% - 70% of people develop no symptoms during the acute phase. In the minority of patients who experience acute phase symptoms, thet are generally mild and non-specific, and rarely lead to specific diagnoses of Hepatitis C. Symptoms of acute hepatitis C include decreased appetite, fatigue, abdominal pain, jaundice, itching and flu-like symptoms.

Symptoms of Chronic Hepatitis C:

Chronic Hepatitis C is defined as infection with the Hepatitis C virus persisting for more than six months. The course of chronic hepatitis C varies considerably from one person to another. Virtually all people infected with HCV have evidence of inflamation on liver biopsy however, the rate of progression of liver scarring (fibrosis) shows significant inter-individual variability.

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